Reflections on a volatile week

So the most difficult thing, I think, is this:  while I am on average feeling much better than I was a week (and two weeks) ago, and that is good, it is not the whole story.  My mood is very capricious, and though I dislike feeling upset,  small things—the smallest of things!—are likely to upset my balance on the narrow Peak of Sanity and Cheerfulness and send me tumbling down the wrong side again.

This is frustrating.  I like being happy.  More to the current point, I particularly dislike being unhappy.  I'm always mildly baffled at how difficult it can be, at times, to keep smiling.

An example:  I have several good friends, and even more people who care about me.  I am aware of this; I know this. And this should  make me happy—or, failing that, at least remind me that I am well-loved and cared for.  And, I suppose, it does.  But (and I suppose this is the crucial point), it doesn't keep little things from bothering me.  And the little things bother me deeply.

Particularly the little things involving friends. 

(I have been feeling very uncomfortable around one of my friends recently, and this has been affecting my mood in general, as well as making me particularly upset when around him.  It's been rough, though I did mention to him that I felt uncomfortable, and I at least feel a little better having mentioned it.  I guess.  I still feel as though he dislikes me, but I guess it helps a little, rationally, knowing that's not so.  And for those of you playing along at home, yes, this is the same person with whom I had this problem several months ago.  Also, as an aside to Azure, if you comment, please don't mention anything that came up in our last conversation about this.)

This has been a problem for years, and I'm still not really sure what to do with it:  very often, I feel ignored when I'm in a group setting.  Even when talking, laughing, and taking part in the conversation, I feel strangely left out.  It's not that people ignore me, or even that people don't pay attention to me—because they do!  And I'm aware that they do, and that's why the whole dilemma feels so silly and frustrating.  But all the conversation, laughter, and smiles seem not to reach me, and I'm left feeling isolated (and even actively ignored and disliked).  I know that this isn't the case, but I can't help feeling it.

So a recent conversation with my friend Mike led back (once again) to a book that he's read called The Five Love Languages.  Apparently there are a couple different flavors of the book (a la Chicken Soup for the Teenage/Mother's/Children's/Single's/etc. Soul) for different audiences, but the basic concept is that a person will generally best "receive" love in one or two of five ways, or languages.  The languages in question, elaborated upon here, are quality time, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch.  It's actually pretty interesting stuff.  And me being me, and you being people who frequently put up with my "I crave human contact!" rants, I'm going to excerpt a bit of the description for the appropriate "love language" category.  Disregarding the bits about "lovemaking," which I'm not in a position (har) for, this description fits me to a T.

Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship. [...] It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

Anyway, Mike suggested that the reason I often feel ignored or disliked in a group setting is because I don't receive physical confirmation that people like me/enjoy my presence/want my around.  And having spent the last week thinking about this in the myriad of social situations of which I partake, I find myself agreeing with him.  Contact with people makes me feel liked and included.  When I'm stressed or tense, physical touch calms me.  Last night as I we were talking, Mike rested his hand on mine and gently stroked my fingers, and I felt almost immeasurably better.  Even when the conversation stopped and he went back to his computer, I felt cared for and paid-attention-to (which is an awkward construction, but the best I can come up with at the moment). 

The flip side of that is that when I'm around people—watching a movie, talking, or just hanging out—and I don't have that contact, I can feel excluded or ignored... even if I'm an active part of the conversation.

It's interesting.

And to Mimmi—I got your package today, and it was so sweet I nearly cried.  Thank you.  Love and hugs.